Author: reefmagazine

Losing My Virginity at 21

Until it happened, I thought it never would. But then, one night, it just did. I was 15 the first time I heard the word “virgin” used as an insult. And until only three weeks ago, the word plagued my own self-perception. Until only three weeks ago, the socially constructed concept of virginity was an inherent and undesirable part of who I was. (Hell, even my astronomical sign is a Virgo). I’m only 21, I know. I have an entire life ahead of me. But in our day and age, sex is part of our social vocabulary from the time we enter high school – or worse, sometimes earlier. I was 16 the first time I considered having sex, and while I see now that waiting so long was worth it, the embarrassment that came with my inexperience never failed to exacerbate the pain I felt with each failed connection or disappointing encounter; at seemingly every possible occasion, I called into question whether I would ever find the right person to “lose it” to – …

A Letter to the One I Once Held Dear

I prided myself on being able to let go without any hatred. It was one of the hardest things I had done. Maybe because you were a first for a lot of things. My first time experiencing that type of care for someone. My first time getting to know the not-so-nice parts of someone. My first time giving all of myself to someone. My first time. I had love for you. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t in love, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have love in my heart for you. And there were so many signs. Oh so many. And it’s not like I didn’t see them, I just chose to ignore them. And that was my mistake. The universe made it so easy for me to leave you. To hate you. But I stayed regardless. It was my choice and mine alone. Because I can admit to myself a little less painfully now that if I had left you all those months ago you wouldn’t have cared. Like you didn’t care when …

A Letter To My Best Friend

I met you in 2011. I didn’t know it back then but I’m glad I approached you even though your stare could kill. I remember our days as high school freshman would consist of Taco Bell runs and spotting skater boys at football games. To this day, I’m pretty sure we’re both looking for the skater boy of our dreams.   2015. I remember our days as high school seniors, 8-hour long conversations about our futures over countless cups of coffee. Our dreams craving to leave this city.. I stayed, you left.   2015-2018 My visits to Austin always feel like a warm welcome. A second home now. No shoes inside the dorm. Check. Blue towel for your face. Green towel for your hands. Check. All you can eat snacks in the bottom cabinet. Check.   Each time always feels like I’m visiting for the first time. Our weekends consist of tequila shots, matching leather jackets, vegan burgers, late-night concerts, concluding with us wandering downtown talking to random strangers. I’m pretty sure we have met …

Descriptions of All the Boys I Have Loved

Boy no. 1: my first guy. Strong and loud. Could carry the world without breaking a sweat. Taught me to whistle. Taught me to swear. Taught me never to throw the first punch, but always throw the last. Taught me how to fear. Taught me how to love. Boy no. 2: my first kiss. Shared PB & J’s without having to ask. Taught me what a crush was. Taught me how it feels when they like you back… hint: like getting sick. Freckles like constellations. I was the only one who liked your gap teeth and obsession with spiders. Boy no. 3: my first heartbreak. Tanned skin and chocolate eyes. Showed me sometimes I’m going to be the one. Once said you could talk with me for hours and then stopped for no reason. You acted like you were scared of my voice. Boy no. 4: my last love. Showed me that my past loves probably weren’t love at all. I thank you for that every day. Words by Danielle Gorman // Photography by Grecia Villa. © 2017 …

Bad Moments

It is important to note that in your life you will have many high moments and many low moments. If you’ve been on earth long enough you’d know this, you’d also know when these moments occur is unknown. How long they last are unknown. Whether or not this is the good moment is unknown. And whether or not you know you are in the deepest and darkest well, the very bottom of the hole, is unknown. One thing that is known, however, is that you will get out. At least, so far, that’s always happened to me. I guess I could say right now I am in a bad moment. I am in a blip. Time seems to be passing, but whether or not I am making any changes to it is unknown to me. I am tied to a railroad track and the bells are clanging warning me a train is coming, but I don’t when and I don’t know how to move. How I got on this railroad track is once again unknown …

The Cup is Half-Full

It drizzles down the nozzle of an overused kettle. Boiling water. There are dry bits of dusty coffee-curds at the bottom of my cartoon tattooed mug. Dribble, gurgle, psssh…slurp! Voilà. Instant coffee. Disgusting and oh so effective. I have no time to study. No time at all. By that, I mean: my mid-term is in three hours and I’ve only just started learning what a derivative is. That means: pump the coffee into my blood system sister, I have no time to be human right now. Caffeine, sweet legal drug, make me into a robot. That used to be what I lived by, in college. Clearly, last minute study sessions and caffeine aren’t enough in University…I realize it now, I accept my failure…I know I have to review my methods now…I thought I knew how to do it, turns out I didn’t. Oh well, I guess you have to start somewhere…I  realize that just like making my very first cup of coffee, studying for my first university exams, is just not something you “get” intuitively. …

Heartbreak Chronicles

Chapter one my clearest memory happened last fall. I remember it like the ending of my favorite book, perfectly etched into my mind. word for word clear as the day it happened. it starts with you driving down my driveway. you tried getting out of your beat up mustang, but I beat you to the car. I knew you could tell I spent extra time getting ready. why did I spend extra time getting ready? all week it felt like my brain was a cassette player and I was obsessed with my new tape. it’d play on a loop for hours and hours. rewind, stop, play: we’re just friends.                   rewind, stop, play: we’re just friends.                                             rewind, stop, play: we’re just friends. my head knew it, I knew it, right? you let me pick the movie, you paid for my ticket. rewind, stop, play: we’re …