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Bad Moments

It is important to note that in your life you will have many high moments and many low moments. If you’ve been on earth long enough you’d know this, you’d also know when these moments occur is unknown. How long they last are unknown. Whether or not this is the good moment is unknown. And whether or not you know you are in the deepest and darkest well, the very bottom of the hole, is unknown. One thing that is known, however, is that you will get out. At least, so far, that’s always happened to me.

I guess I could say right now I am in a bad moment. I am in a blip. Time seems to be passing, but whether or not I am making any changes to it is unknown to me. I am tied to a railroad track and the bells are clanging warning me a train is coming, but I don’t when and I don’t know how to move. How I got on this railroad track is once again unknown to me. There are definitely moments that lead up to it, but nothing that strikes me as the “turning point”.

Earlier today I took a pen to paper and wrote out three strong reasons I believe lead me here. Number one: I went to college. While I enjoy days, I would be dumb to expect them all to be like this. Adjusting to new situations has always been a struggle for me so this could have been expected. Number two: My anxiety has spiked. Maybe I can blame it on my setting, or the season, or the people I am surrounding myself with. But all I want to blame it on is myself. Number three: Last month I got a phone call telling me I will no longer be able to hug my grandpa again. I will never hear his joking voice or ask him to wiggle his ears, or listen to him lead the rosary ever again. Since then I feel like there have been more bleaker moments than before.

All three of these moments and a few others mixed in, some way, lead me here: to this train track. Waiting for the train. When you find yourself on that track or feel that giant black hole open up below your feet, it’s important to remind yourself you are still you. You can keep going, keep learning, keep thriving. That being said, along with my three things that lead me here, here are three things I have learned along with it:

  1. Everyone goes at their own pace. It is not your job to try and “catch up” with your peers or your idols. You could be ahead of them on your journey, and not even know it. Don’t push it if it doesn’t want to be pushed.

  2. Life is full of goodbyes. It is not something you can control. It is not something that will get easier. Just enjoy what you have and be thankful for what you had.

  3. You will grow and you will succeed. Do not spend time at night worrying. Do not spend walks to class worrying. Do not spend hours upon hours worrying. Take a deep breath and remember it’s okay to stand back some days and look at good things, things that are certain. As of right now, I am alive. As of right now, I am succeeding in school, in my relationships, in my imaginative mind. As of right now, I am happy. As of right now, I am sad, but I accept that I can and I will get better one day.

I like to say that life is a friend of yours. That life is holding your hand, or hiding behind you, trying to take on the demons as well. But sometimes life can be that friend that stabs you in the back. Life can be a rock on your chest, weighing you down as you are trying to have just one sweet sip of fresh air. Whatever version you prefer to see life, don’t see as it a trap. Don’t think of it as a one way in and one way out situation. Enjoy it to your best abilities. Accept your failures and recognize your achievements. You will be thriving. You are thriving. Give it time. Let yourself heal. Let yourself cry. Know when you reach rock bottom, you can only go up.

Words by Danielle Gorman // Photography by Ava Williams.

© 2017 Reef Magazine



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