So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I didn’t put my thoughts down on paper for two months or so. Everything was all over the place… But now that I settled down into my new bedroom, my mind is more clear and I can clarify my thoughts a little more. One of them has been taking all the place in my daily daydreaming.
I am so torn apart between two visions of life. I just feel like there are two individuals, with different mentalities but the same dreams, taking place in my heart. The struggle of being a Gemini, maybe. That’s what my grandmother would say.
The first person is fairy-like and quite shy. She stays in her bedroom all day long, doing all the things she loves the most. Drawing cute little things. Reading inspiring books, or rereading Jane Eyre. Writings short stories or her daily life in her journals. Composing a new song on the piano and trying to fit the melody with the lyrics. She isn’t really into socializing, and it’s perfect that way. It makes her mysterious to others. “Mab doesn’t talk, she plays the piano.” This is how people describe her in her teens.
The second person is quite invasive. She wears old black jeans. Her shoes are always dirty. She loves to talk to anybody, even to the person in front of her when she’s in line to buy sangria at the bar. She loves to go out, drink, and smile at her reflection in the mirror when she’s tipsy. Unrecommended places, nights out in town, magic smokes, and not knowing where she’s gonna sleep at night, that’s her thing.
These two entities mix together all the time. And they’re making a mess of everything. In love, in relationships, in school, even in my health. However, their dreams are the same. No quibble for that. They both want to make music. Art. The music scene is their thing. But because they are like water and oil, they don’t want to blend together. It makes everything difficult. Should I stay home Friday night making art in my bedroom while drinking tea, or hanging out in town with my friends, drinking too much wine? Both scenarios are always tempting. Should I stay the quiet one who studies hard or the one that talks to everyone and makes too many dirty jokes?
At least, when one of them take control of my mindset, I never roll away from my deepest desire. At the end, they both want the same thing.
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The more I read this text, the more I know it isn’t clear. But maybe you’re living the same thing? I can’t be the only one to be torn apart this way.
Words by Mab // Photography by Ava Williams.
© 2017 Reef Magazine