Reader's Weekly, Speckle of Our Words
Comments 14

Torn Apart

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I didn’t put my thoughts down on paper for two months or so. Everything was all over the place… But now that I settled down into my new bedroom, my mind is more clear and I can clarify my thoughts a little more. One of them has been taking all the place in my daily daydreaming.

I am so torn apart between two visions of life.  I just feel like there are two individuals, with different mentalities but the same dreams, taking place in my heart. The struggle of being a Gemini, maybe. That’s what my grandmother would say.

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The first person is fairy-like and quite shy. She stays in her bedroom all day long, doing all the things she loves the most. Drawing cute little things. Reading inspiring books, or rereading Jane Eyre. Writings short stories or her daily life in her journals. Composing a new song on the piano and trying to fit the melody with the lyrics. She isn’t really into socializing, and it’s perfect that way. It makes her mysterious to others. “Mab doesn’t talk, she plays the piano.” This is how people describe her in her teens.

The second person is quite invasive. She wears old black jeans. Her shoes are always dirty. She loves to talk to anybody, even to the person in front of her when she’s in line to buy sangria at the bar. She loves to go out, drink, and smile at her reflection in the mirror when she’s tipsy. Unrecommended places, nights out in town, magic smokes, and not knowing where she’s gonna sleep at night, that’s her thing.

These two entities mix together all the time. And they’re making a mess of everything. In love, in relationships, in school, even in my health. However, their dreams are the same. No quibble for that. They both want to make music. Art. The music scene is their thing. But because they are like water and oil, they don’t want to blend together. It makes everything difficult. Should I stay home Friday night making art in my bedroom while drinking tea, or hanging out in town with my friends, drinking too much wine? Both scenarios are always tempting. Should I stay the quiet one who studies hard or the one that talks to everyone and makes too many dirty jokes?

At least, when one of them take control of my mindset, I never roll away from my deepest desire. At the end, they both want the same thing.

* * *

The more I read this text, the more I know it isn’t clear. But maybe you’re living the same thing? I can’t be the only one to be torn apart this way.


Words by Mab // Photography by Ava Williams.

© 2017 Reef Magazine

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14 Comments

  1. Completely agree with you dear. A little of both I believe to be a healthy mix maybe the first one more so then the “part girl” I have a hard time with that to believe me lol but if you do it in moderation I think it’s important to socialize and go out! It helps shape who we are as people :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mab says

      Yes, sometimes it is important to do both! Too much partying can result in a poor health and too much hangovers, but too much time alone can drive us mad. Balance is the key! But it is difficult to find it though…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol I’m a gemini too and I relate to this piece whole heartedly – I feel like I am constantly a walking contradiction, flipping between two psyches/personalities.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mab says

      Two people constantly arguing in our head, I truly relate! On the other hand, being a contradiction make us having much richer experiences, don’t you think? We always see the two sides of a choice/situation and take all the opportunities we can. We have so much more stories to tell ;)

      Like

  3. No i get this too! Im a gemini. What may help though i haven’t tried it is picking certain days of the week to go out while sitting in on others like a schedule almost…with the exception of last minute impulses. You could try by for a week recording the things you do for that day and seeing which days you feel more of a need to just relax, versus others when being a social bumblebee

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mab says

      It is a great idea! Especially for the summer, when all your friends are on vacation and they want to hang out 24h/24! Also, I need to learn to say no to events I don’t want to participate. It is the hard part, to let down people I love. Mostly, the key is to listen to that little voice that tells you that today, is a under-the-blanket kind of day c:

      Liked by 1 person

  4. beautiful words 🍂 I understand how you feel completely, and I suppose our identities don’t always have to make perfect sense… that’s the beauty of them. You just have to find that balance within yourself

    Like

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