Is it a sense of recklessness?
The sudden urge to finally break free from the invisible bubble that you have unintentionally locked yourself into. The realization that you are not restricted from doing the things you’ve secretly always wanted to do out of pure fear that you wouldn’t be the person you thought you were by doing them; even worse, you’d be transforming into a complete disgrace, someone that your family & friends would never approve of. The battle in your head where you feel torn between staying safely in the box or tiptoeing along the edge until, boom, you’re completely out of it.
Recently the idea of reinventing myself has taken center stage in my otherwise cluttered mind. In doing so I would love to experience new things & explore all of my options, which is quite unusual being that I have always been the girl who preferred staying entirely within her comfort zone, & at least ten miles from the line that separates the comfort zone from the inexperienced-and-potentially-dangerous zone.
As I think about these new urges to delve out of my comfort zone I am simultaneously wondering how my family & friends would react to my sudden personality shift. How is it one day you wake up per usual & the next you wake up deciding you want to finally embrace yourself for who you really are?
I sometimes think that there are two versions of myself: the version I portray outwards to everyone I know & the version I hide within myself, the person who I truly am but fear nobody would like.
The wholehearted truth is that you as an individual are more than simply just one person. Having recently come across this realization I have taken into account that no matter who I am, I will always be perceived differently by each person in my life. So, what exactly is the big deal if I were to wake up tomorrow & be the person that I truly feel I am?
A week ago I would have had a never-ending list compiled with all of the reasons on why that would be a terrible idea, but today I decided that the only big deal is the incredible step I would finally be taking to show the world who I really am.
It is not a sense of recklessness at all, but the idea of breaking free might give the illusion that it is. But hey, it’s not too bad an idea to live on the wild side of things every once in a while, those are usually the best times to reinvent yourself, & that is what I have finally built up the courage to do.
© 2015 Reef Magazine